Dear Jakey,

Your momma has a new show she is obsessed with. NY INK. And I am a little obsessed with Ami James. I somehow missed the boat the first time around with Miami Ink but I am now 100% in. And I just watched the premiere episode which I found on On Demand because I caught up most of the season in Lake George on Saturday. Anyways, there was a woman who got a tattoo of her baby who had died a few hours she was born. She had the tiniest footprints and had her name and date on it. It reminded me of both you and Nola. Tommy, the tattoo guy, was talking with the woman and he said how she was trying so hard to be positive and he asked her if he thought that she (her name was Noel) died in order for her (future) brother and sisters to live. It reminded me of today and how I sometimes wonder if you died to give Ethan a better, easier life. In a way I think you did but the truth is nothing comes for free – and the easier life he might have in some ways, is actually much harder. But it seemed somehow important. And the date of Noel’s birth and death was March 17, 2010 – a year before Jake’s Help From Heaven became an official non-profit foundation.

Today, Ethan and I went to Eastside Rec and played tennis. It was another one of those moments where I am trying pretty hard to make sure that I do things that would have been impossible for us to do last summer. I am trying to makes sure that the lessons you taught me about life I not only follow but live by. I am trying. This morning Kate wrote a comment about my last letter. She was remembering last summer when she was here a lot and we had to divide and conquer. Sometimes she stayed with you or picked you up from school and other times she was on Ethan duty. And then sometimes she had you both. Never an easy combination – the two of you. And to a degree you still aren’t – Ethan told me tonight that you told him that you wanted to make sure he got two more Pokemon cards to fit in his binder. He talks about you all the time and talks to you all the time. And still tries to make it two against one.

Miss you little buddy – so very much.