Dear Lovebug,

2012 has come to a close. And we are now 6 days into 2013 and I am 39. I am feeling pretty good about 39, not sure why but I am. The year ended with the usual holiday chaos but also with this overwhelming sense of things that are wrong. And I couldn’t write to you because I was having way too hard of a time figuring it all out. And I haven’t come any closer to figuring it out but I feel like  I at least have figured out some perspective and not just sadness and anger.

I know you know how long you’ve been gone but it seems to just get worse with time. And then when something like what happened in Newtown, CT happens I get so stuck in thinking about the families affected. And to be honest, Jakey, it took me all this time to be able to write to you about it and have it be about what it really is about for me – and not about all the other emotions that this brought out in me. It truly made me crazy how many people made this about them and how much it affected them and their lives. I get it, I really do, but my perspective and view of things has changed and my tolerance, as much as I try to work on it, is just sometimes very limited. And then Liam died and it was just more than I could handle. I always thought of Liam as a weird extension of you. You died December 8, 2010 and he was born December 13, 2010. And while I never met him or his family, when I saw him he reminded me of you. And then when he died I couldn’t stop crying. I was sitting over at your place when I learned about it and I just couldn’t catch my breath. I don’t think I have cried like that ~ for a reason other than you in a very very long time. And combined with Newtown and the fact that I am two years ahead of the families and I know the hardest time comes down the road. It only gets harder and everyone else is able to get back to the comfort of their lives but their tragedy just becomes their new normal and the way life is. It is just heartbreaking. And the only real comfort I get is in knowing that you are in Heaven and every one who ends up there is a new friend for you to hang out with until we are together again.

So, I am trying in 2013 to focus on that comfort. And focusing on your life in Heaven and what it might be like. And what you might want to know about us down here. Things like how Ethan has become such a funny guy. He has discovered sarcasm and it is actually quite funny. He is obsessed with the chicken wings at Smokey Joe’s and after eating them all to the bone he would talk about how disgusting they were with a big grin on his face. And I love that while you were never at Smokey Joe’s,  you kind of were when you came to Aruba in my belly. And he is a total football guy now – he talks stats and plays all the time, ALL the time. It is funny to watch the big guy he is becoming. You would be proud of who he is.

I hope 2013 brings you lots of fun and happiness. I hope you keep us close and watch us (although I know you do. I just see the signs you send so much more now and know you are near). And while I count the days until we are together again, I will work hard at focusing on the good until then.