Dear Jakey,

It is weird what a year can bring. This year we are in Aruba with friends. Last year we were recovering from your massive hip surgery. It was a constant thought for me on May 18th and I remembered it in two very distinct ways. One – that a year ago you had your surgery and two – that last year was Oliver’s 1st birthday. I remember thinking last year so vividly that was a good luck sign. I remember thinking that it had to be lucky because it also marked Oliver’s first year of life. And in a way it was. You did so well through your surgery and we went home the next day. Your spica was orange and you were amazing. And next weekend will mark the weekend in which you got pneumonia and we had to fight with Dr. Noonan about how to handle it. We kept you out of the hospital, even when I think G-Pa thought it was a bad idea. I (and Daddy and Ethan) stayed up all night giving you saline nebs and keeping the oxygen on to help you breathe. It was all so scary then but I didn’t have the foggiest idea what the next year would bring and what scary really was. And that I would be here so desperately sad thinking about those days – and that even being in Aruba doesn’t help. I wonder if next year will seem less painful. I just want to be back in that place we were last year. When I was on the phone with Dr. Grottkau’s office and with their home and cell phone numbers – monitoring it all. I had such purpose then and I kept you safe. I miss that. I miss you. And it doesn’t matter where I am because I would just rather be with you.