Dear Jakey,
I miss you. How many letters have I started like this lately? Probably a lot. It almost seems like I miss you more with each day that passes. And I don’t think I am alone. Ethan is struggling too. It is like we are growing accustomed to you not being here yet it just sucks more each day. Sometimes I don’t even notice the differences until they have passed. It sucks. At the same time, I don’t like it when people comment on my sorrow or suffering. It doesn’t seem right either because when people say that I think of something that will pass. This won’t. Life as I know it is forever altered. I am deeply sad and while suffering isn’t a word I would ever choose to describe myself, I can’t say it isn’t an appropriate description. I guess it just seems too depressing when people comment about it because it is just the way it is now. I know people say it won’t always be this hard but I am not sure I believe that and I know I don’t want to believe it. I think people say that because they don’t want it to be so bad and it just might make them feel better but the fact is, for me and I think for Ethan, it has only gotten worse. While the good days are better, the bad days are worse. It is just a fact – it is the way it is. And the fact is that no one can make it better. And if I can’t have you back, I don’t really need it to be better. It just is. Life is different and we are all adjusting. And honestly, I like to think of us as adjusting instead of suffering. We are making do and we are doing our best. But at the end of the day – we just want you back. We go to your grave, we look up to Heaven, we pray, we talk, we read, we bring things, we do anything we can to keep you close. We love you, we miss you and while I can’t speak for anyone else, I would give anything in the world to touch you again. To love you, to sleep next to you, to feed you, to hug you, to snuggle, even to have you puke on me. All of it I want back.
With so much love,
Mommy