Dear Jakey,

We got home late last night, stayed at the Homewood and got up early this morning with a harsh reality check! Cold, snowy weather and back to the daily rush. Our first stop before even getting home though was to see you. And it got me thinking so much about our routines and visiting you and then it got me just thinking even more about you. We really had a lovely vacation – Ethan was beside himself each day – so happy and carefree. And we all were really happy. And it felt nice to be away from routines and all that keeps us rushing around all the time. Not a moment went by though when we didn’t each think of you in our own ways. I know for me I found myself thinking about what I miss so much about our time together – other than the obvious missing of you being here. I miss the moments when it was just me and you – the moments when I had to slow down and not rush because it was what you needed – whether it was when I fed you or when I helped you get to sleep or when I just sat with you and we talked or snuggled or even watched the stupid Housewives on TV. As busy as you kept me, you also gave me a lot of down time – not lazy time but quiet time with you and me. I had to respect your needs and what was best for you was always paramount. And those moments when it was just me and you are hardest to live without.

It is hard to believe that I have spent over a year without going to Prospect and without having lunch with you – I remember how proud and happy I was to experience that with you. Those are some of my happiest memories – and dropping you off in the morning with Logan greeting you with a super loud “JJ’s here!”. I think of how little I drive now – no trips to Exit 19 and back, sometimes 4 times a day. No trips to Yoga to see Ann. No trips to MIPT to see Karen. And no rushing home from where ever to see Xavier. I miss all that so much because there is nothing to replace it. Nothing that can even compare to it. It seems amazing to me that we only spent 4 years, 7 months, and 4 days together and yet nothing else in my 38 years (yep, another birthday came and went without you) has had as much of an impact. Being your mother has forever changed me. And being your mother is the best thing about me.

So as we all transition back to home, know how much we love you and miss you. Know that all of think of you all the time and we all have our own ways of showing it. It kills us all that you aren’t with us on Earth but we hang tight to the belief that you are with us in spirit. I hope it is true. For me, I know writing these letters makes me feel like we are communicating  – the same way they did when I wrote them with you sitting here next to me. And I know that being home alone today, taking down the Christmas stuff and unpacking is making me miss you extra. I love you so much my amazing strong boy. You will always be my #1 peanut (Ethan is my little walnut now, he even knows you can’t be replaced!) and I can’t wait to see you again.