We went to Montreal this past weekend. It was pretty amazing. And I mostly did okay. Sunday before we left we walked all around Old Montreal, which was really your Montreal. We went to Notre Dame and I swear while I was standing in the back and mass was going on I felt you with me. I teared up and I really missed you. I could almost picture myself in the front of the chapel and I could remember being there with you so vividly two years ago. I remember what I was wearing and what I think you were wearing. And we got there in time for the end of mass so I got communion and we lit a candle and it made me feel a little better. Or at least a little closer to you.
When we got back and picked up Ethan he had bought a noisemaker thing with Abue. It is this long tube thing that makes 5 different kinds of noises. He loves it. It sort of freaked me out a little when I first saw it though because it seemed like something that Xavier or Karen would have used with you. It was a total you toy. And now Ethan uses it to talk with you. He seems to think that you can hear him better in Heaven. And when he made those connections to you it was one of those times where I was simultaneously happy and sad. This morning I heard him in his room calling out your name while he was swinging it around making some crazy sounds. I hope you hear him!
And then that brings me to our cardinal sightings. Ethan sees you everywhere. And so do lots of other people. Heath sees you at her house and Susan sees you at hers. And today you were all around our backyard. Daddy thinks you live in the bushes near our deck. I like you close and near our friends.
Tomorrow we leave for California to visit Sarena. It will be strange with the three of us going. Another thing that can happen now. Usually it is just Daddy that goes or Ethan and me together that goes. Ethan is so excited that we can all go now but we all notice how different it is. And while I think it will be fun I would still want it back the way it was because that would mean you were still here.
Heath sent me a note the other day talking about how she was so sorry that I had to miss you. I think that is the part that keeps getting worse because the longer we are apart the more I miss you. And the more things I miss about you. And the more scared I get of my whole life without you. It just hurts not to have you here.
I love you my little buddy. And I miss you so very much. A new angel was buried next to you on Friday. Her name was Olivia and she was two months old. I read about her in the paper and then read that she was buried at your place. She’s not too far from you. Take care of her.