Sometimes I let time pass between letters because I seem to keep waiting for the just right time and the just right letter to write. Not another sad one, not another mad one and not another overly optimistic one. And then I realize, that like with all things, there never is a just right time. Nothing is ever just right because life continues to go on and that perfect moment in time doesn’t exist. And often you don’t know you are in that moment until after the fact. So, once again, in no particular order I share with you my thoughts on life without you.
We spent the last weekend in Montreal. It was like we had hoped it would be – quiet and low-key with plenty of memories of you. Something about Montreal, particularly Old Montreal is so filled with memories of you. And we went down to the Old Port to ice skate and saw so many families together with moms pushing kids in strollers right on the ice. We all thought about how great it would have been to have been able to do that with you, but we ran out of time and I think it made us all feel a little down – because it represented so much more that we would never do as a family of four. While we were skating, Ethan was happy and talking about how much fun we were having and the he talked about how the only thing that would make it better is if you were with us. None of us can escape that simple fact – that life would be better, happier, more complete with you still here. And sometimes we just need to say it out loud.
And then I think of what happened down here on Friday. So many kids died and so many people are so broken-hearted. And I think about the two kids who died in the car accident a couple weeks ago. And I think of the randomness of both of these events – of the vulnerability and lack of control we really have to take care of each other. And selfishly, it makes me crazy to think of losing Ethan or Daddy. I already lost you and know I couldn’t survive another loss like this. I can barely survive this one. I think of the families of all those left here on Earth and I think about their future. And the fact that their lives will never be the same, that they will have to carve out a way to keep going and that they will never shine quite as bright as they did before. That there is just no way to have the same kind of life.
So, Jakey, we miss you so very much. It doesn’t seem real that it has been 2 years, 8 days since I last snuggled you. Happy Sunday.