Dear Jakey,

You, my sweet boy, were ever-present today. The day started early with me and Ethan visiting a JHFH family. We went to pick up some things that belonged to Xavier and we spent some time with his grandmother. And before that we made our morning visit with you. And we visualized you and Xavier in Heaven. We figured you must have become fast friends or at least we hoped you did. But the thing is that so much remains impossible. And talking with Sheila about Xavier’s last days and about the loss, while comforting, is also tough. Tough because it still seems so new  – getting used to life without you. And tough because it just isn’t something you want others to go through – and because so very few understand the life, the life I had with you. The life I wouldn’t change for anything but a life that no one really knows unless you are in it. The days and nights are all consuming and when they are gone, it is all so empty. And that is tough. But regardless, doing visits and pick ups in your name are some of the best things that we can do.

And then we came back to Saratoga and visited with Cait. And she is so intertwined with you. I remember back to your first days at Prospect and when I instantly felt okay about leaving you there because I trusted her. And I trusted so few to care for you. And I miss her because once you left, we saw her a lot less. She was always really yours – she hung with you so I could take Ethan places and do things with him and I always knew you were safe and loved. 

And between those two things today you were just on my shoulder – so close yet so far. I felt everything about you near and wanted nothing more than to hold you today. And while I couldn’t so that, I got something else. I hung out with friends this afternoon – friends who never met you, yet love you too – and I talked a lot about you. And it was nice. Because sometimes all I want to do is talk about you because I miss you so very much.