Dear Jakey,

A few days have passed since I have written. Mostly because it is hard. Writing to you has always helped but to be honest, nothing is really helping lately. I just keep picturing your face and then I start to cry. I miss you so much and really am in some crazy denial type thing lately. I just can’t believe you are dead. It is unreal. Actually it is too real. So painfully real. It is like I want to scream it out at the top of my lungs and make everyone stop and cry too. But instead, life goes on. At least for those of us still here. And with our life now comes pain and sadness. We all miss you so much.

A lot has been happening. Sarena is here. She flew into Boston last night. Driving to Boston was very weird. Actually it sucked. Even though Boston is where I lived for so long – even before Daddy and I met and in that lifetime ago before I was a mommy – Boston really only means you to me anymore. We were there so long and so often over the last 4 years. We had so many ups and downs there and met such amazing people. So many times the ride on the pike was so emotional – nervous anticipation over what we would learn, feelings of optimism and hope. This time was different. Nothing to be hopeful or optimistic about. Nothing to be nervous about. Just a pit in my stomach because we were missing the key, most important part of our foursome. Mommy’s friend Dean reminded me that you were with us and while I do believe that, it is sometimes just too much to wrap my head around. I read and I pray and I try so hard to believe. And I do believe in you and in Heaven and in your spirit with us. And while it is all so hard, it does help.

We had Sarena’s birthday party at Boston Bowl today. Do you remember last year’s party? You were there in your chair and were so cute and I know you had fun. We got so many great pictures – pictures with you and Ethan, you and Sarena, you and Johnny, you and Aunt Sharon. Everyone wanted to be around you that day. It was the day I took the picture of Ethan kissing you that was our Christmas card this past year. The card that ended up being so beautiful and bittersweet.

And now we are home. Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. I have some tricks up my sleeve for you and will be by in the morning after spin. And then we will all come before school – Ethan, Sarena, Daddy and me. I need a day of lots of visits. I need the quiet of being there alone with you. I miss you.