Dear Jakey,

What a day. Overwhelmingly positive yet still so devastatingly sad. What I find positive now is just sort of twisted. Twisted because it is me making sense of life without you. Ethan and I went over this morning and had the best time with you. It is so exciting for both of us to see that people are visiting you and bringing you stuff. Ethan announced that there are so many people who care about you. I think it makes him feel proud too. I am so proud to be your momma.

Anyways, Ethan and I spent a bunch of time with you this morning and it just felt good. I know that you are watching over us and we don’t need to be at the grave to be close to you but I still feel like where your physical body lays is important. Ethan was excited at the prospect of all you could do in Heaven this morning. He was teaching you how to balance on one foot. He told me that he and Kate had talked about you playing bounce catch. Heaven is getting us through this minute by minute. We are all struggling with why you got to Heaven first and so wish we were all there together.

Ethan also wished today that you and him were twins. He thought if you were twins you could both be in Mrs. Somoza’s class and that you would still be here. He wanted you to be next to him in your own booster seat. He was thinking that you must be happy though because so many people have visited you and decorated your tree. He thought you were happy that we miss you so much. I do hope that it makes you feel good all this love we have.

We watched Elf tonight Jakey. I missed you through it all. It doesn’t feel right without you on my lap. I hung on to Ethan extra tight. I still just want you back though. Through it all it always comes back to that. I miss you. I feel lost and empty without you. I am not sure that will ever change though. I don’t see how it can. I don’t see how you can be so intertwined with someone else and then exist without them. But Jakey ,we will be strong. We will make you proud and talk to you all day. We will keep giving cheers to you before meals. We call out to you when we have something to say. And we try to make you feel good in Heaven. We never want you to be sad for leaving but rather happy like Ethan said because of all the love we have. And for the good you did and are doing. I know I am better and stronger because of you. I know I am kinder and more accepting. I know I am a better friend. All because of you. I love you forever.