Sometimes it is hard to keep the faith. On the couch last night, I was looking at the Travers picture from 2009 and for some reason that triggered this big 24 hour test of my faith. You never know when it is going to hit, or rather I never know when it is going to hit. I just kept thinking about how hard it is to believe, to truly believe in Heaven, or God, or Jesus, or even in the afterlife. I do believe. And I mostly find great comfort from the thoughts of all of the above, but sometimes it is just so hard. Sometimes the what ifs take over and it just makes me even sadder than I thought possible. Because without some sort of faith or belief it is all completely and utterly unfathomable. If I didn’t believe you were still with us, even as Ethan would say “Jakey and his bird friends” – or as the cold air I sometimes feel at night – or just as our guardian angel, then I really couldn’t function. Without the vision of you running above the clouds playing soccer or hanging out with my crazy vision of Jesus, I don’t know how I would get up each day. I need to think of you in those ways and happy and warm and finally, finally in a body that works for you. But sometimes, it is hard and I lose faith and I stop believing. And it sucks.
I talked with Miss Heath a lot today. We were on the phone for an hour and a half. I am never on the phone, let alone for 90 minutes. We talked about all different things and then she said something that I liked. I feel like she understood me which was nice because sometimes I feel so not understood. And sometimes I try to explain what I feel like and it just comes out all wrong. Anyways, I feel like she really understood about why I do some of the things I do. And why I obsess so much to my idea about your death not being in vain. She got what I was trying to say. And she said that because little boys love their Mommy so much and just want them to be happy that is how you feel too. And I loved that. I always thought of it from my point of view but when she said that it made sense. I see it with your brother and I believed it when you were here on Earth. I know you loved me. And I like the simplicity of what she said. How in Heaven you are free to be like any other boy who loves his momma. And when you see me happy, it just might make you happy too.
With so much love,