Dear Jakey,

I am always a little hesitant to write these kind of letters because I don’t want to run the risk of making you sad or hurting your feelings. But today has just been odd. Daddy took Ethan to tae kwon do this evening because I had a few things to do. I had to deal with some grouting stuff, get dinner sorted and attempt to get some closure to the 8 million things I started today. But throughout it all, I kept looking for you. It has been a while since I did it so many times in a short while. When I try to stay positive I think that maybe it was because you were here with me tonight but mostly I am just sad. Because in that instant I really believe you are still alive. I was grouting and I jumped back to look at the couch to check you. But you weren’t there. I dropped the lid to the pasta pot and it banged on the tile so loud and I looked up to where you used to be when I cooked – in your chair in the kitchen and I could physically picture you flinch the way you always did when a loud noise happened. I saw the sneer you would make and your left arm pull up. And then it got me thinking about that stupid auditory neuropathy diagnosis. Of all the ones you got, that seemed like the biggest crock. Anyways, all this to say that I am so desperately sad without you. It is 8 weeks tomorrow that you left me and I just can’t seem to get over it. I think Daddy is better adjusted because he knows that we will never get over it and accepts it. I know we’ll never get over it too. Maybe he is just better at hiding it. Either way we all miss you so very much. I would give anything for just 5 seconds with you. Just to feel your skin next to mine. And look over and see you breathe. I used to do that so often particularly when you were resting so still, too still. I always saw you breath until I didn’t anymore. It just sucks.