Dear Jakey,

I visited with Briana yesterday. And it was fun, just the way it always is. We gossip and chat and laugh and it is just easy. I can never be there without picturing you on her couch. Either sleeping or making those funny faces as Ava, Dean and your brother jumped and acted crazy around you. Anyways, Miss Briana shared with me that you had been visiting. And it made me happy and I know it makes her happy that you come around. The best part is how no one is scared and everyone believes it to be true. Ava even has a way of explaining it that makes it seem normal. Yesterday morning when one of Dean’s trucks was making noise on its own she just said that it must be Jake playing because he knew I was coming over later in the day. I love it. I love how accepting everyone you touched is and how present you still are.

It was especially nice to hear before we went on a JHFH delivery. The little boy we dropped things to reminded both me and Daddy a lot about you. There was a lot of equipment we were familiar with and I could see in Ethan’s face that he felt comfortable. He saw the saline bullets and got excited the way that another 7-year-old boy might be happy to see a toy or sports thing that was familiar. This life is something that all of us knew so intimately and we all miss it. It was something we were all good at. And we miss you.

Ethan told me this morning that maybe you weren’t really dead, maybe you were just in a hospital somewhere. So we talked about you being at Tunison and we talked about your funeral. And still he thought that maybe you snuck out. And then I brought out a book I had bought for him but never gave him. The kids version of “Heaven is for real” and I think it made him happy, which is what I wanted but then I second guessed it and was afraid he would find it weird. I should have known he would appreciate it. We all need to believe that where you are now is fun and warm and beautiful and things like that help.