Dear Jakey,

I had one of those moments yesterday when I was thinking about how much has changed when since you left us and it all feels so strange. Ethan had tkd last night and then I took the adult class after him. Ethan is getting ready to test for recommended brown and it blew me away to think he was 5 when he started taking TKD. He is such a big guy now and it is hard to think of him at 5. And it always gets me thinking that a month after he started you died. And now that I am taking it too it just makes me think of all the things that have changed and it makes me sad. Tonight when we stopped by Mama Mia’s before class Ethan grabbed a bottle of Sprite Zero and he talked about how it was your favorite and how he used to steal it from you. And it brought back all those memories of our daily life and how much I have forgotten. I can’t even remember the name of that clear med we had to get compounded and give you so much of everyday when you were on the keto diet. The one that we mixed with 10 or 20 ml of Sprite Zero to cut the bitterness. I can’t believe I can’t remember.

There are so many memories that flood my mind everyday and so many of them are great but I still can’t escape the night you broke your femur. I think of that most mornings when I still wake up at 2:00. And I remember your cry and I hate to say it but I miss even that so much. And the feel of your cheek. Something about that cheek of yours just makes me miss you so much.

I know that life goes on. And I know I am doing a decent enough job of plugging along and moving forward. But at the end of the day I am still not sure how to keep plugging along for so many more years, how to keep watching your brother grow, how to keep making plans and traveling and living. I just wish it was all the way it was. With you here.