Dear Jakey,

I have been thinking a lot these last few days about your brother.  We’ve always had to balance what was right for you and what was right for him. It meant that sometimes we had Kate or Cait with you so that Daddy and I could do stuff with him. And I think we did pretty good about making sure that he got his time but a lot of time he couldn’t do things he might have wanted to. And that leads me to where I am now which is highly conflicted. I have noticed that your brother has been for the most part a pretty happy guy lately. He has been in a good mood and a good listener and mostly pleasant to be around. That isn’t to say that he doesn’t miss you terribly. I’ve told you about his hard and sad moments. And about what he writes to you and how he thinks of you always. It is separate than that. I think he realizes now that he has all of our attention and it makes me realize how often I had to say “no” or “not now” to him before.  And I think of how I am at all of his tae kwon do practices and all of his t-ball games and how we go for ice cream after school or go to friends’ houses or the Great Escape. We do things that seem easy but weren’t part of our life before. And I think at 6 some of these things mean so much to Ethan. And I don’t think it is bad or malicious or anything but I think that Ethan’s life, well not necessarily happier or better, is just different. And that is where it makes me feel even worse. It is so nearly impossible to fathom hat your one son could possibly be doing better because your other son died. And that now we can do things and I can be a better mommy to one because my other son is not on Earth anymore. It just feels so crappy and I hope you know how it feels here on Earth without you. I hope you don’t confuse the fact that our life is moving along with happiness because while there are moments of happiness we would trade it all in a minute. Even Ethan. Because I don’t know if he even knows or recognizes that things are different. Or if it is just me feeling torn. And guilty. And sad. Sad because it sometimes feel like Ethan’s happiness came at the cost of you. And that is just too hard for one momma to make sense of.