Dear Jakey,
I am sorry that it has been a week since I have written. For a while everything was seeming so intense and I almost felt like I was drowning in my grief. I just couldn’t quite keep it together for too long. And then I snapped out of it. Or at least felt more like a functional human again. And then it is almost like I tried to forget for a while. And I couldn’t even write. I still talked with you a lot. But when those moods come over, writing is too hard -it just becomes another reminder that you aren’t here. And now I am somewhere in the middle – not quite drowning but not denial either. It is funny how almost a year later the cycles remain the same.
Days are blending a lot lately. And Jakey, my memory is shot. I find myself constantly checking my calendar because I am sure I am missing something. And I am so distracted – like a kid with ADD I just can’t focus on anything. The other day, or maybe this morning, I can’t really remember – Ethan reacted to something on the TV. There was a commercial that referenced a growing family. And he just said, almost to himself, “my family isn’t getting bigger, it’s getting smaller”. And that is true. Simply said, yet almost haunting because it is something that only the three of us know – the grave impact losing a vital member of your family has, the impact of losing you.
I miss you so much. And it scares me. I am scared of how time keeps making you seem all that farther away.
Love,
Mommy