I love you so very much and for whatever reason had such a difficult day yesterday. I even asked Daddy if it was a Wednesday (it wasn’t, it was Tuesday). It wasn’t so much that it was a bad day, it wasn’t. It was just another day getting used to this strange new life without you. I understand what people said early on about the sharpness softening – it does. It isn’t as sharp and my breath doesn’t short 0ut as much but it is just this pit feeling. A deep sadness in my heart. And that is what I think is the part that never goes away – the jagged edges of the hole in my heart are clearly less jagged but they are now what they will always be and I may have preferred the sharpness. It is just so hard to face the fact that we are all making memories, continuing on our journey down here and life is just plugging along.
Yesterday was very representative of that. I am working now. As much as I said I wouldn’t do it. I am. I had a meeting in Albany at 8:30 yesterday morning and then an 11:00 in Lake George. That drive from Albany to Lake George almost did me in. Not sure why but I just kept looking back for you. Not only is your car seat not there but the car is filled with skis and boots and other equipment. Everything is different. And then after I was done in Lake George I stopped at Exit 19 to hit up that Target. I did it on purpose because I sort of miss Exit 19. It is another thing that changed when you died. Not a big deal but I was always at Exit 19 – that is where you went to school and yoga. And I liked that Target with the Starbucks in it. I liked that Starbucks with the drive in. I liked that Price Chopper. Ethan liked the Subway there. So when I went there yesterday it was with you and our life together in my heart. I even briefly thought about driving to Prospect. I realized though that would be awkward. I would love to see Beth and tell her how much I loved getting the valentines. And I thought about your buddies, Logan and Zander. But I knew seeing them wouldn’t help and might just make things worse. Not just for me but for Logan and Zander. I just know they must miss you so much.
And then I sent Karen an impromptu email and we ended up getting a quick visit in. It was so nice to grab a cup of coffee with her. And we talked mostly all about you. But it was nice. It wasn’t just me talking about you because she has her own memories and life with you. And she is trying to get used to life without you too. It was nice to share that feeling with someone.
And then it was Tae Kwon Do. Ethan has his belt test tomorrow. I am so nervous. He is ready to test but I am still nervous. And the worst part is Daddy and I will miss it. Kate is taking him so he is in good hands but I can’t believe we will miss it! And after tae kwon do we went to Mamma Mia’s – which again made my mind flood with you. Mamma Mia’s catered your 2nd birthday party. And we had never gone there to eat before – always just take out so it felt weird to be there. It was another reminder of how different life is now. We could just decide to go there to eat since it was next door to tae kwon do – there was no thought of meds, of seats, of bed times, of schedule. Just Ethan, Daddy and I grabbing dinner.
I don’t know why I am telling you all this. I know you are part of our family still and I know you are with us. I just miss you and your body so very much. I miss the hard parts of our life. I don’t like how easy life is now – easier in the day-to-day but so much harder in a different way. So much sadder. And that feeling in the deepest part of my heart that will always have that feeling – not the sharp, take your breath away hurt but that very sad, super deep feeling that will just become part of my inner being.