I don’t mean to keep being so depressing but it really sucks lately. Sometimes I think I am sadder now than ever. Sadder than the day you died. Sadder than the days, weeks and months immediately following. Last night I was reading to Ethan and it took all my power to not cry. And it was really triggered by anything other than the realization that you were really truly and honestly gone. That my bestest snuggle buddy would never snuggle with me again. I think I feel that I am just still in total disbelief. I just totally refuse to accept it at times. And then I am sad all over again – even sadder because every time I have to remember it or think about it, it is just worse. I guess this is probably normal but I just wish it would end. Or that it would get better. Or mostly that it never happened.
“Although we know that after such a loss the acute stage of mourning will subside, we also know that we shall remain inconsolable and will never find a substitute.” — Sigmund Freud