Dear Jakey,

Today is three months. Three months without my little peanut. Without you. Time is so hard for me to figure out and understand. Sometimes it seems like just yesterday and then other moments feel like I have been forever without you. Sometimes I wonder if I am having some PTSD, but most times I just think this is the way it is. Like tonight. During dinner tonight we ate a little later, took a little longer, it was just a little more relaxed than the usual dinner/end of day/bedtime routine. Ethan was teasing Daddy about the nerd word. Daddy was making Ethan laugh. And I was just sitting back enjoying it. And then it hit. You weren’t sitting with us. Ethan was a little past his bedtime but it didn’t really matter. It is not like there are meds or other things. It is just 30 minutes. Who cares? And it was again one of those moments where I just get sad. Not totally sad because the moment was happy but just sad at where we are. And for the first time I really felt disloyal to you. I just wanted it to be back the way it was and I didn’t want to be enjoying life without you. It just isn’t fair.

I am really conscious of these moments now. Like when we got to JFK on Friday morning and went to long-term parking since we had plenty of time. Pulling into that lot brought back tons of memories of last time we were there. There were 4 of us, not 3. Both Daddy and I remembered almost exactly where we parked. And that we had the double stroller. And that you were in the bjorn. And that we went to Argentina and that it was the best time of our lives.

I hang on to these moments because I am realizing that there won’t be any more. Everything I flash back on has happened. Everything I pictured has happened. There aren’t any fantasies about the future. We aren’t making any more memories. And I hate that Jakey. I just want you back. I don’t want to talk about it. I just want it to change. Nothing can make it change and nothing can make it better. Life goes on and it is. And I am living it but it just isn’t as bright without you. Everything is a little more muted. And I just miss the vibrancy of you.