Dear Jakey,

Birthdays suck without you. There I said it. I believe it. I think it. And I know it to be true. But I also know better. I know I need to figure it out and make it work. It is harder than I though it would be though.

Yesterday Daddy and I went to the city to see Rock of Ages. I am glad we went. It was weird though because there were a bunch more firsts and things to get used to. First we took the train – which was hard because we used to do the train together. And it my heart I feel like our last trip on November 6th may have been the start of something bad. I believe in my heart that is when your femur started acting up – that strange cracking noise was the sound of bad things to come. But I loved riding the train with you. Even two years ago and you puked all over me! Remember that? What a sight we were.

Anyways, Daddy and I had a great time in NYC, especially at Rock of Ages. I wish that I could have written to you immediately upon it ending because I was so excited and so super connected to you. I just wish it was immediate because with the passage of time I am not sure I can really say what I wanted to say. Or recreate how I felt. The fact of the matter is that Rock of Ages was the perfect play for me – at 37 I have really come full circle. I have learned to embrace my inner geek and therefore embrace who I really am. For so long I tried to be what people wanted me to be and it took a while to figure out who I really was. I remember when I started being more comfortable with all that, probably about 9 years ago. And as your mom, you really have only known the me that I am most proud of and comfortable with. And since we spent so much time together, it only makes sense that you knew me best. (I can hear Daddy saying “poor Jake” now!) So the point is, during the show, I sang along to every song – I wished I was Sherri and was brave enough to go to LA when I wanted to, and in my happiness and joy I felt close to you. Towards the end of the show, when everything is resolving itself in some expected and some unexpected ways, one of the character says “The dreams you come in with aren’t the dreams you leave with”. And that is the truth. In a million years, all my dreams of my life never included the way in turned out – yet I would never change a thing at any point in my life. Because all of it, ALL of it, led me to you.

One of the characters dies towards the end and in the last song of the show is an angel complete with showering sprinkles. I swear Jakey you were there. I’d like to think that it wasn’t just the excitement, emotion and Coronas that made me think this but that you were there – continuing to embrace your momma for all she is and having some fun.

I am picking up this letter now 4 hours after I started it. In those 4 hours I saw you for a third time. Miss Bridget and Miss Kelly walked with me down to see you. There were new flowers there for you (thanks to Kristin) and your space looks good. We went to lunch after and it was great. Not as great as if you were here but I am once again touched by the kindness of others. In the store we went into there was a frame – it talked about angels wrapping themselves around you and watching over you – I may have to go buy it, even though it is probably too much money. It seemed like it is just right that I saw it on my birthday and would be another beautiful way to keep you close. I am having more faith in it all happening for a reason – doesn’t mean I like it – but Jakey I am trying so hard. I love you more than anything. I always will. I miss you so much my little peanut.