Dear Jakey,

I wish I could say it was getting easier and that my breaks in writing were because I didn’t need to write to you as much. But it’s not true. Especially on this Easter Sunday.  I miss you so much. I miss the silly Easter outfits I would buy you and your bro. And I miss the family pictures. And I miss the bunny ears. And today, our 2nd Easter without you also marks 16 months without you. Losing a kid is sort of like when you first have a kid and you measure everything first in days, then weeks, then months. That is how it is without you. Every day matters. 

Easter is a tough holiday too.And this lenten season was different in so many ways too. We started with Ash Wednesday at a huge Los Angeles church and ended with mass in Canton. And Easter is all about Jesus rising from the dead. And all of these religious passages are everywhere. And I feel like a total cliche and somewhat hypocritical because I need all of it to be true.   My friend Alice posted this:

Your dead shall live; their bodies shall rise. You who dwell in the dust, awake and sing for joy! For your dew is a dew of light, and the earth will give birth to the dead.
~ Isaiah 26:19 ESV.

And Hunter’s mom wrote:

We will live with God forever…the way life is meant to be lived. Death is NOT the end of the story…this is the amazing PROMISE of the empty tomb!! He is Risen! Therefore, we have HOPE!

And I grasp to these words, and try to make sense of them. And I hope they are true and that you are in Heaven celebrating today. With or without bunny ears but with a smile and love.

I can’t stop thinking about you. And how much has changed since you left. I watch your brother and I think how different he is since when you were here. He was 5 when you left us and now he is 7. He is taller and older and has developed such a funny sense of humor. He is quirky and kind and losing teeth. He never stops moving and grooving and it makes me think that you will be 6 in a few weeks. And I can’t picture you at 6. And it makes me sad that I can’t. 

Happy Easter, my favorite little bunny.