Dear Jakey,

I don’t even know what to write about lately because I am still in such a state of shock and devastation over you being gone. I can’t really explain and am frankly sick of trying to make sense of it. All I know is that nothing gets easier and sometimes it is just so hard to be nice in a world without you in it. But I don’t want to spend my time writing to you thinking about the things I already think of all the time. So this letter is going to be all about your brother.

From the minute you were born, he loved you. I can close my eyes and picture him coming to see you in the hospital just hours after you were born. He instantly wanted to be on top of you. And while it wasn’t as instant for you, it wasn’t long before you wanted to be just like your big bro. I can remember those early days so vividly. Ethan was only 15 months old and you were just weeks old and I remember figuring out how to be a mommy of two. Our life in Boston just seems so distant. And then we moved here. I remember Ethan wanting you to crawl and you wanting to please him. And how mobile you were so early. You just wanted to keep up with Ethan and Ethan just was all about you.

And when you got sick, Ethan really didn’t blink an eye. He just adapted. And that might just be the best thing about your brother – his ability to adapt to whatever is going on. And I remember him working through understanding you being sick and being different from  other kids. I remember him wondering why baby Dean was walking when he was younger than you. And then even baby Alex and baby Daniel. It took those things for him to really understand and sometimes I think he was jealous because he missed his little brother who could play with him. But mostly, he knew you loved him and he loved you. And now he really just misses you so much.

In just the last two days we have talked about the following:

  1. He asked me the other morning who I would rather be the boy who died or the man who killed him. (What you have missed in the last 15+ months is that Ethan is all about asking those type of questions that are “which would you rather”). He was talking about Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman. I paused because he caught me off guard so in that pause he answered his own question. He’d rather be Trayvon because it means he’d get to be with you.  And the funny thing is I know exactly what he means. I can’t help but agree with him.
  2. Last night he called down to me after I put him to bed to get him your “Believe the Hype” shirt. He wanted it in his bed. It has been in my bed since you died but I let him take it to his. He is just grasping at whatever it is we have left.

I know that in his own way he is struggling to keep trying to make sense of it all. And it gets more complicated as we plan and prepare for the fundraiser. Your birthday will be here before we know it and you will be 6. And I would give anything to celebrate with you.