Dear Jakey,

So Mommy is all over the place these last few days. It is all so strange. Saturday will be 10 months and it seems so long and so awful. You are so present in everything and I can’t tell if that is what making me be in such a funky mood lately. Monday was G-Pa’s golf tournament and it was harder than I thought it would be. For a bit, I couldn’t get out of my own way. And I felt so self conscious. But then the weather turned great and I hit some good shots and I did feel you with me. And that was nice, but I still wished I wasn’t there playing. Because if I wasn’t there playing I would be home with you. And that would have been better. And then I just get sad. And this whole week has been sad. And I feel a little lost. Or maybe a lot lost. It is like sometimes I keep myself so busy and get so much done and then every once in a while I need to stop. And while there is so much to do with the foundation, and just with Ethan and life, I just can’t quite knock it all out the way I usually do. It is like I am back in that daze I was in when you first died. And all I can think of is all of these firsts that we have had and the ones that are coming. And we are coming up on such vivid days in my memory. Our trip to NYC to surprise G-Pa (when something happened to your leg on the train). The great time we had in NYC. The picture of you on my lap in Little Italy. You starting to cry in school. You getting off clobazam. You eating at Prospect. Beth feeding you so well. Your femur breaking. Our trip to MGH. Sarena’s Thanksgiving visit. Going to Prime for Thanksgiving. You being so brave and such a rockstar. And that picture of you, Ethan and Sarena that I used to love but now I can only see you as sad in it. I feel like in that picture you started to lose your spark – even though you are so awake and so amazing in it, when I look now I see the beginning of the end. And I hate that. I hate that I didn’t know it then. And then it was like 10 days or something insane until you died. And I hate everyday between now and then. But then it will just be all awful all over again. Because while we won’t have any more first without you, we will have seconds and each year that will just get bigger and bigger and our time with you will be farther and farther away. And I hate that. And I miss you.