Dear Jakey,

Yesterday I was at the Columbia Pavilion. I knew I was going there and in all honesty I didn’t think so much about it. I pulled in to park and I gasped. I remembered so vividly the last two years at the stroll. And it was weird to be there. And then later Ethan had his first t-ball practice. While Ethan’s t-ball season last year was obviously mostly about it, for me it was more about you. I usually walked there with you. It was weird being there without you. I guess that with each thing, big or small, it takes getting used to without you. Everything is an adjustment lately. And I just miss you.

What I think I find the hardest is that I really just don’t knew when or what I will miss you. I mean I miss you a lot always but  sometimes it hits quick and hard and I don’t know what to do. It is just a moment but in that moment the memories can come flooding in. Fast and furious. Like yesterday, I flashed when I entered the Columbia Pavilion. I thought of both strolls, I though of how sick you were at the first one, I thought of all the people – so many people, I thought about our friends and family who were there to support and work and walk. I thought about my nerves about talking in front of people. I thought about it all but in a flash. And then I did my run(s) and it was fine. And I thought about how I am glad I ended up there now because when I go to this year’s stroll, while emotional, it won’t be the shock of being back there as well.

And then the t-ball practice. I felt bad for Ethan because I didn’t really want to be there. But at the same time, watching him play and do so well was cool – he seemed so much more focused and  aware of what he was supposed to do. And Daddy is such a good coach. And the team seems cute and fun and I even got a little excited for the season. It is just so hard for me to separate what is now and what was then. I missed the end of the season last year because you were in a spica. And when we left practice yesterday and drove down Lake towards home, all I could think about was the walk there with you each game. Daddy and Ethan got there early. And you and I met them there. It is just how it was. And now it is not. And it made me realize that with each season until December 8th – for as long as I can look back and say “Last year, you were here” I will come across these things and I won’t be sure which ones will sting so hard. But as sad as I am, I am grateful for the memories – that I get to relive our life together. I am grateful for my time, even though it never should have ended so soon. And I am grateful to have been your mommy. And to still be your mommy. I love that of all the people who care about you, I am the only one that gets that spot. I love you more than you can imagine and my heart will always be a little broken without you.

Much love,