Sometimes I feel like I have it all under control but then it becomes quite clear that I don’t. I have been in a fog since we came back from California and while I first blamed it on jet lag, it has been clear that it is something more. Maybe it was the idea that Sarena has really become such a young lady. I feel like you wouldn’t even recognize her, sometimes I don’t. Seeing her at her school, in her world really struck me. It struck me how time just continues on its way. And life does go on. It is sometimes more than I can handle or process – the fact that life continues along without you.
I blamed my fog on jet lag but it’s more than that. Ethan finished school and started All Stars again. We’ve had fun summer nights with concerts and visits with friends. We have had nothing to complain about, yet I can’t get out of the fog. It’s almost like in the beginning when I would worry that everyone would forget about you and our life together. And now almost five years later, it seems like a real fear. People have said things (maybe just my interpretation of what they say) where I feel like people have forgotten, where our ability to move forward in life works against us and people don’t realize that today is just as hard (actually harder) than those early days. The more time passes, nothing gets easier. It just gets sadder. It gets sadder for all you have missed here on Earth, it gets sadder because things are so different from when we shared our world. And to some degree, I remain as angry. I wonder why this happened to us? I may hide it better than I did in the beginning but I am not sure it has changed all that much.
I used to think the first times without you were the worst and if I could get through that I would be okay. But then the second year of things without you happened and in ways it was worse. And now this year will mark the fifth year without you. That seems like a lifetime and it is in fact half of Ethan’s life – which will only become more. Soon he will have spent more of his life without you here than he did being our big brother on Earth. It is hard to wrap my head around it.
So Jakey, I ask for your help. I hope this letter helps clear my fog. I hope I get my focus back. I hope I write more because that used to help me feel connected. I love you Jakey. More than you can imagine.