Dear Jakey,

Something occurred to me today and I am not sure how I feel about it. For some reason, in the shower this morning I was thinking about when Ethan and I were visiting Sarena in CA and he got so sick with such a high fever in the middle of the night. I remember not having kids motrin but because of you I knew at what amount to dose adult motrin for kids. I remember giving Ethan the crushed up motrin wrapped in a fruit gummy. And the weird thing is that I remembered all that this morning. But I couldn’t remember the dosing – how many grams  I would have given you per kilo. Not for the life of me and it just seemed so weird. How could I not know that? I used to know how much regular strength tylenol to give you and how much extra strength motrin. And now I have nothing.

And then later on this morning I got an email from the Epilepsy Foundation Parent Support Group and Kelly asked a question about Vimpat. Now had that question been asked 4 months ago I could have told her everything about Vimpat. The date you started, the amount of your increases, changes in affect, eating, behavior, and all other pertinent information. But today I had to text Daddy and ask him if you were still on it when you died. For the life of me I can’t remember. We talked about it when he called later in the day and I started to remember more but it just seemed so wrong to me. I was the Mommy that didn’t even need to write things down although I always did in case things changed and I would forget. But I never did. I always knew everything about your meds, what caused what, the date you started, the date you ended, when you increased, when you decreased and now I remember none of it.

Hilary thinks it might be some self-protective piece of the mind. And she is probably right. I knew it when I needed it and now I don’t need it. But it just is weird. And I am not sure how I feel about it.

Miss you,