Dear Jakey,

I have been trying to get back in the running groove. I have a 10 miler at the end of this month which is supposed to be hilly. I wish I didn’t sign up. Yesterday I made myself get up and run longer. I managed 6.3 and although I was slower than I should be, it wasn’t as awful as last week’s runs. I did start to feel a little better about running as a way to communicate with you though and for at least a little bit I felt close to you. Unfortunately it was a little early in my run and I started to cry before mile 3. And the whole trigger this time was Lady Gaga and her song “Born This Way”. I always run with my ipod on shuffle which isn’t always great since my selection is somewhat random. Anyways, even though I have listened to that song a ton, I never listened with you at the center of it. And I listened to her whole schtick about “God makes no mistakes” and it made me feel both better and worse. Better because it really helped me remember and believe in a greater plan and bigger picture. I remembered reading in the “Many Lives, Many Masters” book about our souls and how we choose the lives we come into. And in that sense it does make me feel better. I like the idea that you chose to come here even if you knew how it would turn out and what your journey on Earth would be. And that you chose us to be the recipients of your love and lessons. But it also sort of makes me feel like I just want to have one big pity party and wonder “why me?”  I try not to stay there long but it is hard not to go there every once in a while. Anyways, for a glimpse yesterday in my run I re-discovered that connection I had with you in my winter/spring runs and I hope I can hold on at least through the month. Tomorrow brings 6 months that you have left us and it is so very hard. I even admitted out loud on Sunday that it is so much worse now then when it first happened. And by “it” I mean your death. It is such a moment, such a horrible, gut-wrenching moment. One I will never forget. And one that came so suddenly. And then it was over. And now we are here. In a different life, trying our best and trying to find our ways to keep moving forward even when we sort of just want to go backwards.

With lots of love,