Dear Jakey,
Yesterday afternoon, Ethan announced “what a great day”. And he was right, but when he said that Jakey, it just about did me in. And of course I started to cry. I kept it from Ethan because I didn’t want to make him sad or think he said anything wrong because he didn’t. It just was such a hard day for me yesterday. Great, but hard. It was another one of those days that really symbolized all that is different. We woke up yesterday and did some stuff, then went to Sunnyside Gardens and bought plants for my veggie garden and for the pots on the deck. And as usual, I bought too much. And we went to the Farmer’s market to get stuff to grill. And then we worked all afternoon in the yard. Ethan went back and forth between helping me and Daddy and took lots of break in between. He played on his play set and threw a ball around. I can’t remember the last time (because I don’t think there was one) when we had a day like that. When I first started gardening at our old house, I really loved it. I loved it because our old house made it easy. You could access our deck my two different doors – it was easy to bring you out or position you on the inside still near me and Ethan playing in his sandbox. Everything was close by. Gardening became stressful for me once we moved. Our new back deck was not easily accessible with your chairs and was always in direct sunshine. And my veggie garden was down below so I always had to do things rushed. Which isn’t fun. I didn’t rush this year. And I hope that gardening is something I can enjoy again. But the whole thing just makes me sad or sort of a little muted. I keep going back to that horrible feeling of heartbreak. And while it isn’t as sharp, it is always there and keeps the fun stuff from being quite as fun because it all came at such a cost.
Yesterday morning, on the way to Sunnyside, I was checking the weather forecast on my phone. It was not promising. It showed on the hourly schedule that it would start raining at 10 and continue through 1 when thunderstorms would begin. Ethan than asked you to make it stop raining until we were done. I thought of that when we finished all that we wanted to do for the day. And I think it goes to show how we all still depend on you. Not necessarily to work your magic with God so that things work out in our best interest but that you are still an integral part of our life.
It is so redundant to say but I still have a hard time really accepting that you are gone. And how quick it went. And how we are all plugging along here on Earth. Rolland is painting our house now. Remember him? He is the guy who helped us at the funeral. We will always be so grateful to him for what he did for us in those days following your death. He got that damn spica off of you and dressed you in your favorite brown fleece pants and that awesome turtleneck and sweater. He took those horrible pictures of you laying dead in the hospital and replaced them with the Jakey that we want to remember. Anyways, he is now here at the house most days working on our house. And I like that. He is doing a great job but is another person that knows about what happened to our family. He mentioned to me the other day how happy Ethan seems and that he notices how much time I can spend with him now. He sees me take him to visit you and then to school each morning and sees me pick him up and then do our thing – whether it is a walk in town, a bike ride, or off to tae kwon do or t-ball. He recognized that it wasn’t really like that before. And I am happy that Daddy and I are able to do things we never could before as a family. But it doesn’t stop breaking my heart every single time. And it doesn’t really hurt less. It just isn’t fair that a mother has to choose between her kids. And it is not a typical choice because in reality the choice was made for me. I don’t want you ever to think I prefer it this way. As much as I am enjoying some of the things that we are doing now, I would turn it all away for even just one more hour with you. Even today, we are getting on the train in a little bit to head down to meet Fiona and Gracie. I can’t wait. Ethan is excited to go and see Ollie. I can’t wait to see Kir. And we’ll be back home by 8:00 tonight. No big deal for anyone. But another thing that is different. And another thing I am looking forward to but really wish it just wasn’t an option. I’d give anything to be back at last Memorial Day Weekend – spica cast and double pneumonia and all. Because then our family was complete – we weren’t missing anyone.
I have more to say but it will have to be later. It has been harder lately for me to get these letters out to you. Not sure why. Hopefully it will pass and I will get caught up. I have so much to say to you buddy.
With so much love,
Mommy