Dear Jakey,

Well, peanut, we made it through. Hard day though. I missed you so very much and it felt so new and real all over again. It just seems so completely unreal to me that you are gone. I don’t understand it sometimes. I mean I know you are gone but it just seems so inconceivable and it just seems like such an awfully long time to wait. I was telling Daddy today that it makes me nervous sometimes that he was never baptized. He reassured me that he would be fine and I believe he will be in Heaven too, but I get nervous anyways. I feel like I can’t really count on things for sure and I don’t like to take any risks. It all honesty, this is probably the hardest on your brother but it is just the way it is. I can’t risk losing anyone else. And I will be overly nervous and pre-cautious and annoying if I have to be.

But anyways, we made it through your birthday. It was unbearably sad at times but I was glad to be with Daddy. We kept busy. We lit candles and we spent time at your grave. And Jakey, you are so loved. Between flowers, balloons, notes and gifts so many people visited you. At night, I brought home most of the cards to read and they are really just beautiful. It makes me so proud to be your momma. And we bought you a cake. An ice cream cake. It said “Go Jake”. Daddy came up with the words. It will be our tradition. We set the stage for years to come.

Jakey, I miss you so much. We all do. I hope that Heaven is all I want it to be for you. And I keep waiting to see you again. Each day brings me closer. I can’t wait.

Happy Birthday,my lovebug. Hope the balloons we sent reached you – remember what they say – that Mommy loves you most!