Dear Jakey,

I don’t even know where to start lately. It is so hard to not be devastated every moment of the day. It is almost like the shock and disbelief is starting to wear off and the reality of what life will be like from now on is sinking in. I don’t like it Jakey. And I try so hard to keep busy and stay in the positive but sometimes I just can’t do it anymore. Sometimes I just want to lay in bed, hug your pillow and t-shirt and try to feel you next to me. I am looking so hard for signs that you are here with me that I feel a little crazy. I credit you for everything – for when I sleep peacefully even if for just a few hours, for whenever I feel calm. Left to myself I don’t think I could do it so I think it must be you helping.

I learned yesterday that the boy who is buried near you who was 17 when he passed was killed by a drunk driver. We saw his Dad there when we were seeing you and it is just so awful. I have come in contact with parents who have lost their kids – on a personal level and on a more abstract way and while I find it so comforting, I also find it so damn sad. Everyone is a little bit ahead of us on the time scale – so I guess people make it through this but I just don’t know how. It is so sad to think of how many parents have to visit their kids in graves or have their kids be angels. It is all just too damn depressing.

So Jakey, that is where I am at. I love you to pieces and it would break my heart even more to know that in any way this made you sad. But I do want you know what an incredible part of me you are. You really became such an integral part of not only my life but who I am. My life was about protecting you and being your mom. First and foremost. Everything else (whether it should have or not) came second. And that is why I am so lost without you. And it is why I need to figure out how to keep your spirit alive.

Alright buddy, I love you so much. Help me buddy – I need you more than ever.

Love,

Mommy