I write this next to you as I always did in the past. Although something is terribly different. I am here next to your body but your soul has left me. Left us. It is in heaven and while I know and believe you are so much more comfortable I hate that you are gone. You, my little buddy, meant the whole world to me and you were my entire world. I am not even sure I exist without you.
We spent the whole day with you today and I am so grateful for the time they have given us. I so believe you are watching us so this may be redundant but we spent about 9 hours next to you today. You looked so peaceful. You are wearing your favorite brown fleece pants and your cozy wool sweater. We keep coming up with things to put in your casket with you for when you go to Greenridge.
Jakey, I so hope you like where we picked for you. It is the cemetery we walked through once a very long time ago. Maybe even before the seizures started but I am not sure. We were with my old friend Tuck and Elise. We cut through it to get into town. It was nice and I liked it. I am not sure why I remember that day but I do. And the plot we picked for you (and subsequently me, Daddy and Ethan and maybe even Ethan’s future wife) is near our old neighborhood. You can even see it from where you are. We thought that might be familiar and comforting for you. You spend a good six months in that neighborhood before the seizures started and there are many dear friends who can watch over you. I also love that I can run over and see you each day that I want. You are only a short mile away and I needed you near me.
They put you in your casket tonight. You looked so great in it. I hope you like it. Ethan picked out the red. And after a debate about whether there should be a monster truck or fire truck picture we decided on fire truck. I think that was the perfect choice since you spent so much time recently riding the truck here at home.
Jakey, I am going to end this note now but I think I will write often. I hope that you hear me and it makes you feel warm and loved. Wednesday night broke my heart and soul but I know I can count on you to watch over me and can only hope for a small portion of the strength you showed. I need to be strong for Ethan and I know you will help me do this. But you will always be the dearest love of my life and when you left you took a big part of me with you. I wish I could have helped and changed those last 90 minutes. Things changed so fast and I only wish I knew you were dying. I tried so hard to save you. I love you so much and really want you back. But I promise to be strong and make you proud.