First, I have to give a big shout-out to your Auntie Spunky. She was here right after the shit hit the fan and sometime in those immediate days she gave me a poem. Now I remember appreciating it but then everything was such a blur and so weird that I don’t think I really gave it time to resonate. A few weeks later ,Abue sent it to me too and still, I didn’t spend a lot of time with it. Anyways, fast forward to recently and all I can think about is that poem. All sorts of stuff happened this week. I told you about Kate’s puzzle on Tuesday. But on other days things were happening too. I have always thought it odd that there are so many birds at your grave – so many different types, so many singing and flying – don’t they know they are supposed to go south for winter??? Anyways, on more than on occasion I have noticed that when I get out of the car, many start to sing. And when I leave there is usually one that flies across my path – sometimes I think it is the same one. And then one afternoon just Sarena and I were visiting and the entire time there was one bird on the very top of the evergreen tree and it just looked at us. We both felt it was you. And when we were driving away, we both turned back to look and the bird had turned to watch us too. And last night, outside our house Daddy saw a bird sitting on the tree a few times and he was always still and didn’t fly away when Ethan was his crazy self. And aspects of this poem kept creeping into my brain. And I believe it now with all my heart and soul. I need it to be true and since I can’t have you here, I try to find comfort in the birds and the other signs I see when I am quiet enough to notice. This is the poem:
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush.
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave bereft
I am not there. I have not left.
Jakey, I will try to always keep this in mind. Even when it is so tough – like last night. Last night was filled with lots of those “little things” moments – we were in a restaurant and a Daddy walked by with a sleeping boy. He was carrying him the way we carried you and his hand was tucked under the way yours always did. And Jakey, the sight of that hand took my breath away and I hate to fight back the tears. They were right there and a few came out but I had to hold it together. And it was hard and so very sad. And then we went to the Phantoms game at the Glens Falls Civic Center. And Jakey, that was where Daddy was when he got my panicked call that you had stopped breathing and when I told him that I thought you were already dead. Imagine getting that call ? I can’t imagine being at the receiving end of that. And having to rush out of there with G-Pa. An equally terrible kind of hell. And anyways we sat there last night and I kept looking as to where he might have been sitting when he got that call. And which way he might have left. And it just broke my heart all over again – for you, for Daddy, for Ethan, for Abue and G-Pa, for me and for all.
Just know my lovebug – how very much you are loved and how very much you are missed. You have taught so many people so many things and you have made me opened my eyes to the goodness and kindness of others. Kristin left me some flying wish papers and Ethan and I will be trying them out soon – maybe even as letters to you. Alice, who was one of Mommy’s dearest friends in college, and never got to meet you in person – she saw you at the services – sent me a beautiful bracelet with a poem about how you will be My Forever Child – I will share with you the poem soon. But you are My Forever Child and my heart breaks when I think about how I have to wait to see you again but I am trying to hold strong and believe that we will all be together again and in Ethan’s words – “be a real family again in Heaven”.
Until then, my never-ending love,