Dear Jakey,

Entering the cemetery this morning, Ethan called out “Happy Halloween Jake” to you. It is our first Halloween without you and I kind of wish I could just skip it. I just read a blog by another mom who lost her kid and she was writing more about how sometimes for parents who lose kids, Halloween is hard because of all the gravestones and RIP stuff. That isn’t the case for me, I just don’t want to go out without you. I don’t want to think about all the crazy things I made you do on Halloween and how cute you looked. Last night on facebook Spunky and Miss Trish had a little was down memory lane with all the different costumes you guys were. Your very first Halloween you and Ethan were sharks – the cutest sharks ever when I used to buy the costumes from babystyle. And that year stands out because it was before you got sick. You were about 5 months old and Ethan was 21 months and you were both quite the sight. Such a fun night but seems a full lifetime ago. And then the next year you were spiders – again from babystyle. We saw Nadia in town on Saturday afternoon at the Fall Festival and her son was wearing your costume!  She had bought it at the Katrina Trask Consignment Sale where I had sold it at. Small world but made me kind of happy that her son had it. It seemed fitting that someone connected to you while you were on Earth remains so while you are in Heaven.

And then the next year we had our first Halloween in our new house – having only moved in like two days prior. And you both were Monkeys. And then you were Officer Jake and Ethan was SWAT. And last year you were a vampire. A pretty cute one. And I remember the skinny pleather pants I bought you at H&M that Daddy was sort of mortified by. And Abue did your makeup and Ethan was a Knight and so protective of you. And this year Ethan is an Army Guy – the costumes are from where we got the Officer and SWAT costumes so it is cute and personalized. And he has a marshmallow blaster that he is perfectly happy terrorizing everyone with. I can only imagine the face you would make when he blasted them at you.

I wonder what you would have been this year, my little peanut? Would I have been able to get matching outfits again? Or was that over? Ethan surprised me by being an Army Guy  without our typical fight over what costume. You know I have to think they are cute or I won’t agree to it. You could have been an Army guy too. It would have been perfect.

On Wednesday night we go to St. Clement’s. They are having a Prayer for the Deceased/All Soul’s type thing and they will be handing out the named crosses that have hung in the front. Yours was the first one up and while I will be glad to bring it home, I sort of prefer it stay there. Bringing it home is another reminder of time passing us by where the feel of your skin and all that seems farther and farther away. I miss you buddy.

Love,

Mommy