We are home from California. We were there for what seemed like forever. It was a very fun vacation but also very symbolic. While we have certainly traveled since you were gone there was something about this trip and all that we did that made it just seem so different. And I felt the way that I sometimes felt when you were here on Earth – like I was split into two people: Ethan’s Mommy and Jake’s Mommy. This vacation was all about planning a trip for Ethan (and Sarena) and the fact is it never would have happened with you here on Earth. That never was far from my heart and it why I couldn’t stop to write. I know you understood. I know we talked even more than usual but I couldn’t just stop and write because I felt like it was switching modes. And as the days passed I didn’t like feeling so disconnected but I made peace with it. I made peace because for me it was too hard to go back and forth so I tried to stay in the moment and enjoy vacation. As we got closer and closer to getting home, a big chunk of me just couldn’t wait until we got here. I just wanted to go see you and get back to our routine. And I felt better the moment we got to your grave.