Dear Jakey,

What a couple of days. I spent time with more of your people – Karen came over yesterday and I had breakfast with Lori today. I feel so proud by the impact you have had and will continue to have on the people who were in your life. I am happy that I can still be friends with your people.

The day started out pretty cool today. I worked out, visited you, came home, got Ethan ready and then got to see you again before dropping Ethan at Spanish. I love when I see you twice before 8 AM! It definitely makes a difference in how my day progresses. And some days being busy helps. Some days I don’t like being busy but today it was good. I went to the Y with Miss Sharon again and Daniel did a good job in babysitting – did you help him out? And then I spend the day with Ethan (but not without another visit to you first). I helped with centers and then we had his school birthday party. I can’t believe your brother is going to be 6 tomorrow.

Last night, Ethan asked if we could bring your stander to the grave. I think he sees so many people leaving things and he wants to add to it. One of his favorite memories he has talked about is when you used to be standing and he would put the small plastic dinosaurs out  on your tray and play with you. He has drawn a picture of it and talked about it so much. I explained to him that we would be saving your stander until we found the just right kid to pass it on too. I don’t think he is ready to pass it on yet. He likes the idea of you around us. He is also so proud of his locket. He told Mrs. Somoza that it makes his heart feel warm. He had her help him share it with his friends. He is so proud to be your brother and he misses you so very much. He still always answers the “who loves you most?” question with “Jake Alexander” as his answer. And he believes that he loves you more than anyone else. But between you and me we know it is me that loves you most!

I am also getting excited about starting a foundation. I have been talking with Dr. Thiele and hopefully will hear from Dr. Browning in the next few days. I wonder if we will ever get closer to knowing what was going on with your body buddy. Either way we will help others because of you and in your memory. So many people want to help and that is pretty cool. Mommy can’t wait to figure it out.

Nightimes remain hard. Last night at dinner I said that out loud and Ethan immediately knew why. He gets it. We talked about how we just wanted you  – in your chair – next to us. Remember how Daddy and Ethan would fight over where you sat? I would always let them because I knew you would be back on my lap soon. It is just so darn lonely without you. I still can’t believe you are gone.

So tomorrow is another super busy day. It is Ethan’s birthday – we will go see you super early because we then need to head up to Gore. Then back down here for his party. It will be another day where your absence will be even more noticeable. I am so happy for Ethan and he is so excited but the hole in my heart will feel extra jagged because I know you aren’t here on Earth to help us celebrate. At your grave tonight Ethan asked if we thought you had friends up there yet. We both answered definitely. I hope you and your friends can celebrate Ethan’s birthday up in Heaven. He would like that.

Miss you my little peanut,