Dear Jakey,

Mommy has not been sleeping well. Last night, I decided that I would change your letters up a bit. I was thinking that periodically I would start writing to you about your people. People who knew you well when you were here on Earth. It will be in no particular order but it will cover the whole big crew of important people. We have time. Our time together, here on Earth, is over but our new time together is forever. And one day, we will meet again. So until then, I want to remind you of those who love you.

The first person I want to write to you about is Miss Briana. Last night when I couldn’t sleep I was thinking about her. I was thinking about how when you left us, she was the first person I wanted to call. I was up mostly the whole night and it seemed like forever until the time was appropriate enough to call. And then when I did I remember blurting it out. And I remember she was blown away, yet was such a good friend that she stayed strong. I can’t quite imagine what that call must have been like. It is similar to when Miss Kelly sent me a text to ask if I was going to yoga on the day after you passed. I answered her by saying that you had passed. Must not have been an easy text to receive. Anyways, more about Miss Kelly later. Back to Miss Briana. I called her with the worst news ever. You died. It still takes my breath away.

The thing with Miss Briana is that I always described her as the one who knew you best outside of family. I met her when you were two months old, a few weeks after we moved to Saratoga Springs. Ethan and Ava became (and still are) best buddies. And Dean was in her belly when we met. And you were the little guy in the orange stroller with Ethan. It was such a good match from the beginning – Ethan and Ava were fast friends and I liked the mom! I learned quickly as a mom that just because you have kids the same age does not mean that you will be friends. In Boston, I had Miss Tracy (that will be another person) and Miss Mindy (yep, another story) but in Saratoga Springs I was meeting new people (Miss Trish will be another story).  So, somehow or another Miss Briana and I became friends. And because of that she got to know you so well. She watched you when you learned to crawl – even when it was only it one direction: backwards! She watched you back up under the couch of our old house and back under our dining room table. She watched when you started to sit up on your own at Roc N’ Tots. Ethan and Ava danced and did their thing and I was able to set you up in the corner, of the old Y on Broadway, and you were such a good boy. You figured out how to watch yourself in the mirror and make faces and just be so chill. Who would have thought that a three-month old could be so easy and fun?

And when you got sick and we were at Children’s, I remember when Miss Briana was in town and picked up Ethan and took him to play with Ava. Ethan was thrilled and I got to talk to my friend, even if it was in the lobby of CHB. And when we got back to Saratoga Springs, she was key in helping us settle. In fact, at some point we started doing a babysitting swap. Each week we would switch off – one week Daddy and I would watch Ava and Dean so that Miss Briana and Jason could go eat and the next week we would leave you and Ethan. I knew that when I handed you over to Miss Briana she would sit with you and keep you safe. I didn’t feel that way about many.

And buddy, I can’t tell you how many times you hung out on Miss Briana’s couch. Last Wednesday was my first day there without you. It was weird but I am so glad I did it. I thought of you the whole time but I think that is okay. We (you and me) would spend lots of time there over the years – in the morning for coffee, at lunch for pizza and sometimes for No Rules Fridays. We were there a lot and I knew you were comfy there. And so was I. So comfy that  sometimes you puked and sometimes I cried. It didn’t matter. We were comfortable and surrounded by love. And it took me a while to be able to go back. But I am glad I did. It makes me feel happy to be around those who knew you so well and who I knew loved you. I even remember that Miss Briana’s dad always cared so much about you and always offered to hold you when he was around. It is all such good stuff, Jakey, but also so sad. I just miss you and I miss everything about our life together. It is hard to carve out life without you. Nothing is the same. I see it all different. I need to remember you, be a good mom to Ethan and try not to be too jealous of healthy kids. I need to get used to the fact that I am raising a kid without a sibling which isn’t what I planned to do.

And I will end this with a cool memory. When you turned 2, Miss Briana (and family) got you the coolest shirt. It had a dino on it (which was the theme for your party) and the dino was called Jake-a-saurus Rex. It also said “Roaming New York since 2006.” It was the best. I found it today when I was going through clothes. The best shirt ever.

With love,