Dear Jakey,
We went to the Connection tonight. We went with Karen and Gary. It is always a little weird being there without you. It is great being there with people who loved you too. And Karen definitely did.
And it is the night before Easter. Which has been kind of weird for me. The picture over Daddy’s and my bed is from Easter last year. And that picture is also on the website, the brochure and was in the article in Saratoga Today. It is a beautiful picture and an amazing picture. It is weird to me because I remember that day so vividly and it is hard for me to figure out life without you. Like tomorrow is Easter and I am having a hard time with it. Holidays have all been hard but it is almost like I don’t want to celebrate them without you. I didn’t even buy Ethan an Easter outfit. I just can’t beat last year’s outfit for you guys together. I don’t even want to try. And I made Ethan’s baskets. And I bought you bunny ears – just cause that is what I always did. But then your basket was there and I had to make one for you too. And it just feels funny. I am just not sure how to move forward without you.
Yesterday was Ed Loomis’s birthday. I told you about writing him a letter. I left it for him and his mom wrote back. And we talked for a long time yesterday. She spends his birthday with him at his grave. The whole day. She also goes to the crash site. And she is a mess. It sort of haunts me. People always say things like they don’t know how I do it. How we (daddy and I ) move forward. I guess I don’t know how not to and then sometimes I feel bad. I feel bad that I am plugging along. And I feel like because people see me being a functional person they might think that I am okay, when I really am anything but. I am a mommy of two with only one to raise. It will never be okay and it just sucks. But I guess it is not in my nature to be a mess. At least not a public mess.
I miss you so much Jakey. It feels so weird without you. I guess I still have a hard time really believing that you are truly gone. And I can’t really accept that going to see you a few times a day at your grave is okay. It is not okay. I try not to think about that night. When you were dying on my lap. When I couldn’t save you. It just sucks so bad. I wish I knew you were going to die and I could have stopped it. I didn’t know. But I am sitting now exactly where we sat. You were on my lap and I knew something was wrong. I knew you were too sleepy all day. I knew you were having weird seizures and you looked so very skinny and frail. And I was so scared but not that scared where I thought you would die. Just scared. And then the brown stuff came up. And then you died. And I hate that moment. I hate that it was me and Ethan. I hate that it was so fast. So incredibly fast.
Jakey, we are working so incredibly hard for your foundation. And I like it because it keeps me busy. But I hate it too. I hate that my energy is on that and not you. I hate that every moment of my life from here on out is fucked up. And I am sorry to say it like that but it is true. Every moment it second guessed or feels weird because it is not how it was supposed to be.
I love you my little peanut. I hope Heaven is real and all that I want it to be for you. And I hope I see you again. I miss you.
Love,
Mommy