Dear Jakey,

What a week, my little man. I miss you so much through all of it. This week has been hard, and I had a bunch of those times when I think about last year. Sarena is here and it makes me think of the things we did last summer. And things we did this week which we wouldn’t have been able to do last summer. We went to the horse sales Tuesday night with Heath and Jeff. And as I met and talked with people I really struggled with when people ask about my kids. It is like I get myself backed against a wall because they ask about my kids and how many and I say two. And then they ask ages and I say 6 and 5. And then is where it starts getting hairy because when they start talking about how busy they must keep me or ask if they are close it begins to start to feel like I am lying. And then there is my tattoo, which I still haven’t had the dates put on. People ask about it, I tell them it is for you and what it means. And then I end up saying you died. And no matter how it comes out, it is hard and awkward and in all honesty, more than most people want to know. Like the poor people I met and told at the sales. And when I ended up telling them, I felt so bad. I felt bad that it was true and I felt bad that I had to be the bearer of such news. And most of all it just sucks because I still have moments each day when I forget or when I don’t think it is true. And when I say it out loud it is so true and so real. And I don’t like that.

Tomorrow we leave for Plum Island. I feel like I need a week away more than ever. I need quiet and to be away from home. It will be weird without you there. I know you will be all around, at least I hope you will. Jakey, I hope you know how much I miss you down here. Even though 8 months has passed, it still seems way too unreal and still just takes my breath away. It seems as though the waves have been rougher lately for me. They have been so hard –  my chest tightens and I can’t catch my breath. I miss you so very much. I love you buddy.