Dear Jakey,

I miss you so much buddy. It is always weird to me the overall finality of death. I think if people really understood it, then they would behave so differently. And I guess you can only really understand it when you experience it because I always thought I knew, but the fact is I had no idea. Even with the thoughts of an eternal future in Heaven or multiple lives, life as you know it now on Earth is forever gone when you die. Forever. If people knew that they would be much kinder, less stupid and would truly not worry about such small, inconsequential things. And I know I could benefit from my own words. Like yesterday when Ethan was helping me with laundry. I separated my cashmere sweaters and he was just not really paying attention. I told him to leave them alone, they were for the dry cleaners. And then after we started the wash and I went to go put them with the dry cleaning stuff I saw they were gone. He had put them in with the jeans and t-shirts. And then I noticed he had put your shirt in, the one you wore to the hospital, the one they cut open, the one you died in. And the only thing I had left that still sort of smelled like you. Daddy said I should have kept it somewhere else but I didn’t. I wanted it there because I passed there all the time and I liked it there. I could grab it and hug it and smell you. And now I can’t. It broke my heart and pissed me off. And that is what I mean about finality. I will never even come close to smelling you again. Once that shirt came out of the wash, all I smelled was tide. And there are no second chances. But I can’t do a damn thing about it so I there is no point in staying mad. And I guess if I close my eyes tight and picture you laying on my arm I can try to smell you – keto breath and all. But it is not the same and I just miss you so much.