It has been quite a couple of weeks: your birthday, the fundraiser, Daddy’s birthday, the donor luncheon and now Mother’s Day which is really the last straw. I hate to say it but I look forward to getting past it all. Each thing is a positive, or at least should be but for me it is all seeming more and more exhausting and somewhat overwhelming. Especially Mother’s Day. I never really know how certain days will hit me – sometimes there is so much anxiety leading up to a particular day that the day itself ends up being fine and other times I am just not prepared. Yesterday was one of them. I woke up very mad at the world. And I felt bad about it because I didn’t really want to be. But I also wanted to skip the whole day. I really just didn’t want Mother’s Day to exist anymore and I really was having a hard time keeping it together. But then I didn’t keep it together and I cried and Daddy gave me a big hug and that sort of helped. It helps knowing I don’t have to explain why I am being ornery. We hung out with Abue & G-Pa and that turned out really nice because I could focus on hanging out with Abue as the daughter and not really pay much attention to the fact that it was mother’s day and I was missing half of my group. But still I am glad this stretch is over. I wasn’t really prepared for the emotional unleashing the last two weeks had on me. And I just find myself saying how I can’t wait for things to quiet down and return to normal. And the worst part about that is deep down I know that won’t happen and no matter how well-adjusted I think I am, I am not. I am still just a sad and sometimes pissed off momma who wants her boy back. I miss you so much Jakey. I hope you can feel all my love up in Heaven.
Your one and only momma