Dear Jakey,
Over a month has passed since my last letter. I have had an ongoing list of things to write you about. Things like our Greenridge family, about people we know, about my new Jeep and about our cardinal games. All these things are so important for me to tell you, yet not quite important enough to make me sit down and write.
But now I am writing, and it feels a little like it did when I first would write to you, when I felt so strongly that I HAD to write to you. On Wednesday, we were at the track. And we were so very close to a horse that went down. And Jake, as soon as she was down her legs shook and her mouth foamed and you could tell something was very wrong. And you could tell she was scared. And all I could think (and still think) was that this poor baby was having a seizure. And its strange because they weren’t even your types of seizures but it was a moment when you just knew all was wrong. The kind of moment I am all too familiar with. And as this poor filly tried to come back to her previous life she just couldn’t. She stood and she fell and she flipped and it just wouldn’t stop. And I felt like I couldn’t breathe. And for a few minutes it was like you couldn’t look away but I knew I couldn’t watch anymore. Or we shouldn’t watch. And I snapped at Ethan and it took me a bit to get myself together. And I still am not sure I’ve gotten it all together yet.
The filly’s name was Lavender Road and she died yesterday. I couldn’t stop stalking twitter in hopes to find out more and I still can’t get it out of my mind and out of my thoughts. Sometimes I think about how strange that is because I am not so much of an animal person. But in that moment I understood more about animals and relationships people have with them then I ever had before. And I once again in life felt heartbroken.
I told Ethan about Lavender Road’s passing last night at bed. I knew it would be hard for him because he has seen more death than he should at 9. And I wondered how much of this triggered things for him in the way that they were triggered for me. But we talked about how Lavender Road was in Heaven now and that maybe you and him were hanging out. We have learned so much about hippotherapy since you left us here and I always think about if you would have liked it. Maybe you are getting your chance now. I hope so.
I love you buddy. So very much and I miss you so much every day. It’s still so hard to plug along in this life each day until I see you again. I hope you know that. And I will figure out how to write you more because I have a lot to say.
Love you always,
Mommy