Dear Jakey,
Again, too many days. But Daddy and I were in Jamaica ~ at the Rockhouse for a few days and I know you understand. It felt great to be back there and I know you, more than anyone, is connected to that spot. You were so there with us and around us. I made you ever present in the birds I had never noticed in our earlier visits and in the stillness and quiet. I took pictures and in one there was a fog, I feel like it was you letting me know you were there. I don’t even care if it sounds crazy but there is little doubt in my mind that you were there with us.
On the way down we watched The Descendents. I have been having a harder time lately with TV and movies because I never really noticed before how there is always death in it. And every time I watch someone die, even if it is on TV, it makes me really remember that you are gone. Forever. Anyways, it was a decent enough movie but there is death and by the end I couldn’t take it and found myself sitting there crying. And it got me thinking again about how I feel like an alien sometimes – even watching We Bought a Zoo had my crying and emotional and the stupid movie New Year’s Eve which we watched on the way home made me cry. Why does every movie, regardless of type, have someone die? Whatever happened to stupid funny movies. And it may be why I go back to my old favorites ~ Old School, Zoolander, the Zohan ~ although I am nervous that there is something I don’t remember in each that might make me cry too.
Today was a tough day. I made a trip to a JHFH kid to pick up some stuff we had loaned him and some stuff they were donating for the equipment exchange. And in standing in the house I felt for the first time in a long time the fear and the heartache that having a kid like you makes you feel. And I watched his grandma jump when the heart rate monitor went off and how she checked him and how scared she was. And I was sort of jealous. Because as hard as that life is, it is still life. And I miss your life, our life. And then I was also broken hearted because I could hear the fear in her voice that he was getting worse and I know that worry, different than normal parent’s worry, that there is very real possibility that he may die. And that just sucks. And I hate that there are so many people worrying and fighting and so many kids stuck in bodies that don’t work right.
I miss you buddy. Every single piece of you and every single minute of our life.
Love,
Mommy