Dear Jakey,

I keep having these weird thoughts. It is like I get mad that life is going on. All around me. And I sometimes just wish it wouldn’t. Or I wish we could rewind. Last night, Ethan, Daddy and I were all snuggling on the couch and I just missed you so much. I wanted you there. And it seems sad to feel that way during every happy family moment, but it is true. I always seem to catch myself being happy or somewhat normal and then I am reminded of what is missing and I am so sad all over again. I think it just may be the way life is now.

Roland and Dan made me a beautiful necklace charm with your hand print on it. And the thing is that it is so clearly your hand. It is amazing how I feel like I knew every inch of you so well, and the way your hand fell on me when you slept is a picture I will never lose or I hope I will never lose. I get scared now that with passing time things aren’t as clear anymore. Your hand print on a charm is such an amazing gift. I wish you knew them Jakey. They were so kind and helpful and really made sure everything went the best it could. I guess you knew them but I just wish it was different.

We’re going to Disney, Jakey. In less than a week. I know you know but I have been hesitant to talk with you about it. While I am so excited for Ethan, I sort of don’t want to go. Everything about it is a reminder that you are gone. Flying on a plane with Daddy AND Ethan – we haven’t done that since we all went to Argentina. And by all it means you too. It doesn’t seem right to do it without you. And I believe you will be there and I know everyone thinks its great that we are going, but at this moment I don’t really care what anyone has to say or that your spirit is with me or that you are in Heaven. Because I really just want to be your Mommy on Earth again. I don’t want to be missing you so much and I don’t want every moment of happiness to be followed by terrible sadness. I just want you laying next to me on the couch this morning and  I want to be giving you keto cal and I want my life back.