Dear Jakey,

It occurred to me that it is time for a list. I haven’t done one in a bit and I feel like it might help me deal with the whole myriad of emotions I have been having lately. Here goes:

1. I miss the way you looked after your bath. Your hair would get these super tight curls and you would make funny faces in the tub. I remember when we first got your bath chair and how much easier that made things. Sometimes your brother liked to use your bath chair too.

2. Sometimes when I drive, I look back for you. I think about how sometimes we would have to pull over and make adjustments with your head. And I think about when sometimes your head would flop you would grunt at us until we noticed.

3. I miss sleeping with you on my arm. A lot. I loved how you would settle down and they way your lips looked when you slept. And your eyelashes – your long, incredible, beautiful eyelashes.

4. Ethan is a yellow belt now. I feel sad that you never saw one of his tae kwon do classes. You would have been proud of him.

5. The night your femur broke was so scary. Hearing you cry like that and know that you were in such extreme pain was awful. I am so so sorry that happened to you.

6. I miss your keto breath. I can’t even really remember what it was like. I remember when we first started the diet and when we were in the hospital your breath was kickin’! And then I grew to love it because when your ketone were high you were better.

7. I try to remember what you felt like and the weight of you on me. I miss you so much.

8. I will always be grateful to MGH – particularly for when they let me, Daddy and Ethan all spend the night in the hospital with you after your liver biopsy. They understood that we were in this together.

9. Ethan still answers the “who love you most” question by yelling out “Jakey”.

10. You are and always will be the very best thing I ever did.

With so much love until we meet again,