Dear Jakey,

The hole in my heart is just so big without you. I miss you so much. I woke up at 4 today and just couldn’t sleep anymore. I just get up  because there is so much to do lately. And I don’t really like what that represents. Because even when I was so busy with you it was different. You were the only one I answered to. Now I have to answer to other people and I am not really sure I like that. I miss the pace of our life. It was always a little hectic and crazed but it also had to be somewhat calm and steady. You needed that and I think I did too. But anyways, that is not where we are anymore. And to make it worse, they closed the road in the cemetery that leads to you. They were nice enough to call Daddy yesterday and give him a heads up. And I am sure our driving through in a foot of snow added to their decision. But now we have to park and walk down. Not a big deal but impacts but daily stalking of you. I know it is only a week but I just hate this feeling that you with each day you are farther away. I can’t find the book Ethan has been working on. I know it is somewhere but I can’t find it. It is part of why I had to get up at 4. I hate this feeling of finality. With everything that happens I can’t get a do over. With your shirt and the hair. There is no way to get it back. And now this book. It is Ethan’s amazing memories and feelings and I can’t believe I can’t find it. I hope it turns up soon. And it just makes me think things are too busy. I still haven’t made my photo books or my scrap books. I need my time with you, alone with you.

But I will end this note to you on a better note – I appreciated and noticed the birds at the house yesterday morning. I got out of the car after dropping off Ethan and for a brief moment I felt like I do when I see you at your grave. The sky was bright and the birds were circling and chirping loud. I never notice that at home before and it made me smile. I noticed. I love you. I miss you.