Hey Jakey,
How are you little buddy? A few days ago was St. Patty’s day. I thought of you so very much all day. All I could think of was last St. Patrick’s Day. Not really for any special reason but because I remember that it was a beautiful day. And for some reason I remember that Miss Kelly and Miss Briana tried to go to the Parting Glass for lunch. I remember being a little jealous that I couldn’t go. And while it isn’t always something I like to admit, especially now, I remember being that weird combination of sad and mad – where I just wished things were different and I could have brought you and done something like that. It just wasn’t an option. And it is one of those things that seems so crystal clear to me on days like that – because there is nothing holding be back now. And it feels weird – mostly a sort of sickening awful, pit in your stomach kind of thing but it is also something else. Something I feel like I keep coming up against. It is that same thing that made me want to take Ethan to the North Pole for the day so soon after you died. Or go to Disney World. It is that nagging feeling that I cannot let you down or let your death be in vain. I am not sure if that makes sense or not but it something that I feel like would just be so pathetic if I sat around crying (which I sort of feel like doing a lot) and didn’t do the things that I used to think were so important. So that brings me back to St. Patty’s Day. I met a bunch of buddies and we had beers at the Parting Glass. It was a lot of fun. The weather was beautiful, the sun was warm and for a moment life was not so heavy. And I like to think that you were there with me and that there was no burden on either of us.
I found out the day after St. Patty’s day that Jake’s Help From Heaven officially became Jake’s Help From Heaven, Inc on St. Patty’s Day. We will have a New York State certificate stating that we are a not-for-profit corporation. I am not sure why it happening on St. Patty’s day is so significant to me but it seems to fit since it was a day so wrapped up in you – not in the holiday but it what it represented in my head.
Today we did our final ski outing of the season. Ethan talked about you a couple of times. He told us that he thought you were watching over us when we skied. And that he saw you and your bird friends fly over us. I told him that made me happy. It did. I like when he talks about you. Sometimes I think he is so worried about upsetting me that he keeps himself a little closed up. Other times I think I create it all in my head and miss you so much I just want everyone, including him to think about you 24/7. Sometimes I hear from people that they think I am two different people – that they see me so happy and then they read my letters to you and realize how sad I am. I guess to me it is more about pushing through – and that is something I learned from you. You were so strong and brave about it all – especially when your femur broke. And I remember that night when you were in your splint, waiting to get to Dr. Grottkau to set it and how you kept it together. You always just did what you had to do and my little buddy, that is what I intend to do until we meet again. The other night Ethan and I talked again about how great it will be when we are all reunited again in Heaven. It seems like such an incredibly long wait but I know that each day brings me closer.
With love and so much admiration,
Mommy