Dear Jakey,

So, our CA visit is coming to an end.It is weird because I have missed you, but in such a different way than I expected. I thought it would be another bittersweet change where I fought the internal battle between having fun and being sad, but it wasn’t that at all. It was even weirder and harder. I have never been here – to Sarena’s life- with you. Ethan and I have made this journey three times and each time you were with Daddy. And that is the difference I felt. I kept wanting to call Daddy and get a report. I wanted to know every minute and I couldn’t quite relax knowing you weren’t here. And each time I wanted to know how you were doing brought about an awful reminder that you were in Heaven.

And I think that yesterday brought a full moon on Earth. Or close to it at least. And because as a former teacher I put such weight on the power of the moon and what it does to kids – I wonder if it didn’t affect your brother somehow. He talked so much about you and in ways that I couldn’t always deal with. We were in a Japanese restaurant and there was a warrior costume and he talked about you wearing it. He talked about you losing air and dying. He brought you up in so many ways that I didn’t see coming. But I will continue to be grateful when it happens because I feel better when I know you are so much in people’s hearts. You are so much in mine that some days keeping conversations with those still with me on Earth is so hard. I feel like an alien going through the motions of being polite and “normal” when I am so far from it.

Tomorrow brings a long travel day and I am sure it will bring with it some anxiety. I am anxious to visit your grave, even though I know you have had a ton of visitors and your damn bench still isn’t in. What is up with that? And I will remember vividly my calls to Daddy checking in on you. I miss you so much and can’t imagine how long I need to wait to be with you again. It mostly kills me. I try to plug along with this thing called life but when it comes to it I just don’t know how to be without you. Your 4 years, 7 months and 4 days with me forever changed me and I can’t adjust to life without it. It is like life before never happened or didn’t really matter because all I think about it you.