Dear Jakey,

You get an early morning letter this morning. I am so sad and miss you so much. The last few nights I have been going to bed so ridiculously early that I get up around 4. I re-read the part of Without Words this morning where Hunter died. And it is all just so sad. I read it because the way I remembered it reminded me so much of us and there really were so many similarities. Not everything but a lot. And I wonder if reading that book when I did wasn’t somehow a sign of things to come. I remember weeping as I read it the first time, and this morning was no different. This is all just such a weird feeling – it doesn’t get any better, in fact now might even be worse –  because I am getting so much better at faking it and carrying on with life. I guess it isn’t really faking it but more like a numbness. I kind of go through the motions but come the end of the night I can’t seem to do it anymore. Just staying awake is a lot. And all the little things to do – listen to voicemail, call people back, write out more cards – it all just seems too much. I try not to be a whiner, Jakey, but this morning I just wanted to tell you about how I am really feeling. I don’t feel like talking to anyone else about it. It is all just so exhausting.

I miss you so much. I keep waiting to wake up from this nightmare. I downloaded many more books to my kindle last night to read – some about heaven, some about after death experiences and some about multiple lives. I take it all in and something in all of them makes me feel better for the time being. I just need more. I need to get rid of the doubt and just find something to believe forever, or at least until I see you again – in this life, another one, or in Heaven. Frankly, I would like the opportunity for all – come see me in this life, we can be together again in another life and like Ethan says “I can’t wait until we are a real family again in Heaven”. That last one I believe the most – I have to. I can’t imagine that we won’t all be together again. It is only an interruption, remember?

Well, Jakey, time to get ready to ski. It is so cold and I am not in the mood but the fresh air will do us good. It also makes me feel close to you. Hopefully the cold will keep people away and it won’t be crowded so I can have some peace with you. Do what you can to keep us safe.