Dear Jakey,

First, thank you for watching over Daddy today. He did great. We all know you helped him be confident and do awesome. Second, thank you for being so present yesterday and last night. I always feel better when I feel you near me.

Today is the official one month anniversary since you went to Heaven. In all honesty I didn’t expect today to be as difficult as others thought it might be for me. But it is hard. Sometimes it is even worse because it catches me off guard and I am just paralyzed. I had such a terrible day last Wednesday because in my mind Wednesdays are the worst. I actually had a small panic attack on the way to tae kwon do. I just re-live it all over and over. And the 4 week anniversary just seemed worse than what the one month would be. And it was –  but today was hard too.

When we finished skiing we came down to see you – we got there just before 2. We were all so excited and slightly anxious  as that was the latest any of us had to wait to get to visit you. Even as we left Lake George this morning, Ethan thought we were going to see you instead of straight to Gore. When we got to see you, it was so clear that you had visitors today. Your tree is beautiful with many-colored flowers in it. Miss Briana started quite a trend. It looks awesome. And you had sweet notes and pictures from friends. And someone even made a heart in the snow next to you. You are so loved buddy. You made such a mark on people and continue to do so. I couldn’t be prouder to be your momma.

And I spent time today just trying to get used to you gone again. Auntie Shirley and Auntie Cheryl took me for a facial and a pedi today. It was hard to lie there though and not think of you. I still don’t know how to not worry about you. Even when you were with Daddy, I still worried. I worried about how you were eating and how you were doing. I don’t know how to turn that off and just be. Sometimes it makes me sad, sometimes it makes me cry but mostly it just makes me want you back. And since I know I can’t get you back on Earth, it makes me want to be with Daddy and Ethan. It is as close to you as I can get now until we are all together in Heaven. Ethan said he can’t wait to play in the snow with you once he is Heaven with you. Stay close to us until then. We love you more than ever. You are the strongest, bravest little buddy we know.