I have struggled lately with how to put into words or even my own thoughts life without you. I am so practiced and versed at talking about Jake’s Help From Heaven and at trying to make it not awkward when people find out our story. But at the same time it is so impossible to really convey the way life is without you. It’s like everything about me is different. And even at this over two-year mark, I am still trying to figure out my existence. I try to keep to a schedule. I try to keep myself busy. And frankly, JHFH has been keeping me busy. We have so many letters and emails to answer and even today we had a phone call from someone asking about an internship. It’s strange because sometimes I still feel like all I am doing is going through the motions. And it is why I can’t stray too much from routines. Why TKD twice a week is good for me, why my runs with Susan are good for me and now my workouts with Matt. All things I can control and all things that make me get up and do things. Sometimes I fear a day might come where it is all too overwhelming to deal with, where the magnitude of the rest of my life without you is so overwhelming that I can’t breathe or move and I am so aware that I am always teetering on that line, the line between handling it and not. And I know that for me to keep moving and keep showing up when and where I am supposed to helps. And when I look or think about myself, most of what I see is me as your mom but the more time passes since I cared for you, I just feel out of focus and blurry. And I don’t really know how to fix that.
With so much love,